If U.S. Wars were Arrested Development Characters

Let’s be honest, we all watch far too much television. In the old days, when our ancestors had no electricity and far too many brain cells, they occupied their time by reading silly things like the Iliad and other such classics. Because of this, they were able to associate current events with Classical literature, forming organizations like the Society of Cincinattus, named after the famous Roman hero that none of you have ever heard of. What you have heard of, however, is the TV show Arrested Development. If you haven’t, then I’m not sure where you’ve been; possibly getting a real education somewhere. But for the rest of us, popular culture dictates that we relate the real world to something, well, more familiar. Like, I don’t know, comparing U.S. military conflicts to characters on Arrested Development. You’re welcome.

American Revolution – George Michael Bluth

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Young, confused, idealistic, and oddly turned on by our cousin to the north. The American Revolution began with strong ideals and ended with the Articles of Confederation, which was the 18th century equivalent of filming yourself pretending to be a Jedi knight. Thankfully, there’s always money in Alexander Hamilton.

War of 1812 – Steve Holt

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Accomplished very little, was actually a fairly sad story overall, but is remembered positively by all involved, except the British who just don’t remember it. Often used as a rallying cry when we’re feeling down as a country.

Civil War – Michael Bluth

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The country that lost everything, and the one president who had no choice except to keep it all together. A house divided against itself cannot stand, especially a house built by the Bluth Company. It hurts to watch, but we can’t look away, and so the Civil War is consequently one of the most studied conflicts in American history. It was really a huge mistake.

Mexican-American War/Spanish-American War – Lucille Bluth

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Racist, spiteful, and alcohol-filled, these little wars did a lot to grab territory for the country while pissing off our neighbors who were upset that their bathroom kept getting smaller. When asked about American imperialism, replies, “I don’t understand the question and I won’t respond to it.”

World War I – Tobias Fünke

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Confusing, depressing, and with a lot of Freudian innuendo, American involvement in World War I was short but formative. While we prematurely blew up nothing, not getting involved until 1917, we still ended up with a bit of a mess on our hands. It was the moment we thought we were going to make it big on the world, stage, but then the Depression happened. We still get chided for not bringing enough to the fight, to which we respond, “There were literally dozens of us! Dozens!”

World War II – George Bluth, Sr

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It looked good, it felt good, it was the basis for our ascendance onto the world stage, and it seemed to end well. Until that whole thing about cornball machines, I mean atomic weaponry, happened. We loved the American Dream so much that we pretty much married it. NO TOUCHING, JAPAN AND GERMANY!

Korea – Anyang

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Probably too on the nose, actually.

Vietnam – Gob Bluth

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Lots of explosions and commitment issues. It wasn’t magic, it was all an illusion. Saw the advent of the helicopter in warfare, and as predicted, it got hop-ons. You’re gonna get hop-ons.

Panama – Maeby Fünke

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That one conflict everyone forgets about and leaves out of histories.

Bosnia – Lindsey Bluth

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Cantankerous, reluctant, tried to sell itself as humanitarian and ended up largely successful, mostly by accident. Pretty spoiled by inheriting everything from the Cold War military build-up but found itself going broke pretty quickly due to big spending and budget cuts. Still hunting for the checkbook.

All the Wars in Iraq – Buster Bluth

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It started out promising in Desert Storm with a multitude of possibilities in archaeology and map-making, but then devolved into a party with unlimited juice that went off the chains. Really just a bunch of sand-racing with plenty of awards to go around. In the end, is just a monster.

Afghanistan – Anne Veal

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Her? It? That’s still going on? Who? Easily overlooked and quickly forgotten, unless brought up by the media for a few seconds.


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