The First Order Complains

Official complaint logged by Human Resources Division, I Division, Stormtrooper Corps

Dear Sir/Ma’am/Alien/Droid,

This is a closed complaint from troopers of the I Division, who wish to remain numberless, for very obvious reasons. This complaint is being registered in accordance with General Order Number 139, Complaints and Open Door Policy for First Order Personnel, Starkiller Base. Our grievances are as follows:

1. Hostile Work Environment.

It surely comes as no surprise that this is being raised as an issue. What we see is a double standard across the board. Just last month we sat through several hours of holographic presentations dedicated to teaching us how to care for our equipment. Quartermaster Corps very pointedly described how if we lost or destroyed any equipment, the charges would be docked from our pay. Yet Kylo Ren destroys an entire interrogations database and no one blinks an eye (the S-6 cried a little). Our troopers are entrusted with the security of this base and of its personnel, and we take our jobs very seriously. It is very bad for morale when we are conducting a routine hallway patrol and have to reverse course in order to avoid Kylo Ren’s outbursts. We feel that his behavior is in direct violation of First Order Regulation 67-1, Standards of Conduct for First Order Personnel.

This. When this happens, we leave. Has anyone done a behavioral health assessment on Kylo Ren yet?

2. Individual Responsibility

We are warriors. We are professionals. We have been trained from the days of our childhoods to be proficient in our tasks, to be disciplined, to fight, and to win. And yet, for some idiotic reason, in the garrison environment of Starkiller Base, we have to walk in groups of no less than two and most commonly four. Whether to go the dining facility, the latrines, or to our barracks, we have to move with a “First Order Friend.” If we disobey this, we can receive non-judicial punishments that really, really suck; like being detailed to the Commo Detachment when Kylo Ren is angry. If we are the front line of defense for the First Order, can we not be trusted to move by ourselves? We have a sneaking suspicion that this order is in place because someone higher up likes the symmetry of it all.

Sometimes walking in pairs helps, actually.

3. The Buttpack

The buttpack (Pack, Rear mounted, Cylindrical) has been part of the Stormtrooper uniform from time immemorial. And we now join our predecessors in asking for its removal. It lends nothing to the uniform, save enough room to store a few batteries. Conversely, it makes it difficult to sit down, causes us to get caught in doors and tight spaces, and, frankly, makes us look ridiculous when we’re marching away. We understand that at some point, some admiral or general made this their pet project. Got it. They are long dead, as is the mission effectiveness of the buttpack. Can we put this behind us (Pun NOT intended)?

It looks great, till you get to the very obvious buttpack. Pilots tease us CONSTANTLY. (Image courtesy Hasbro)

4. Impracticality of Silver Armor

We, the men and women of Stormtrooper Corps, are proud of our appearances. We note that Captain Phasma has been selected to wear and test a new prototype of battle armor that appears to be made of silver. Yes, the new battle armor looks very impressive, and would make a good dress uniform, but it is hardly practical for combat. The reflective nature of the armor makes it a veritable deathtrap for the poor trooper stuck inside. Not only that, but keeping it polished would require additional trooper hours each day. We understand that First Order leadership has been searching for the perfect type of armor for some time. Please just let us keep the armor we have and stop wasting money on these prototypes. Perhaps invest that money in additional shielding for troopers.

Looks great until you’re trying to get some cover and concealment; then you’re one big, glistening target (Lucasfilm Ltd).


Concerned Stormtroopers

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