Predictions for 2016

‘Tis the season for looking back and contemplating where we’ve been this year. But that’s just too damn depressing. So instead we will consider what we can hope for in this coming year.

And the future’s so bright that we’ve got to wear blinders.

2016 is the year that  Lockheed Martin will finally “work out those last few kinks in the F-35, just a few small bugs, really, please don’t panic, it’s gonna be great.” In an effort to create a more stable platform, they will add another wing, a propeller, remove the jet engines, use only natural products, create an open-air cockpit, move the guns to be closer to the pilot, and, in essence, create the Sopwith Camel.

Sopwith F-1 Camel
(U.S. Air Force photo)

Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey will publicly burn the reflective belt in an official Army ceremony, stating, “I’m sick and tired of this bullshit.” Several brigade sergeants major will be seen leaping into the flames to try to rescue the PT belt, screaming, “BUT MY LEGACY!” SMA Dailey will then order all headquarters lawns tilled and planted with tobacco, “so that our junior enlisted can more easily obtain their nicotine fix that has made us the greatest fighting force since 1775.” Sergeants major will be seen to explode.

The Pentagon will release new doctrine, called, “Joint Publication 10-1, Twenty Ways to Confuse Each Other in Joint Operations” and “ADP 6-0.1293987978526, How to Infuse Mission Command into Your Love Life.” Drinking rates for doctrine writers will skyrocket.

On the warfighting front, the Air Force will declare that they are not cancelling the controversial “Tops in Blue” entertainment group after all, but are instead deploying them to Syria to fight Daesh. Local Daesh groups surrender en masse, rather than be subjected to the hearty, over-the-top cheerfulness projected by the entertainers.

Elsewhere in the war on terror, Russia will announce that it has done some root cause analysis and traced the beginnings of Daesh back to Soviet involvement in Syria in the 1970’s, and, in a twist worthy of one of the great Russian novelists, is now bombing itself.

Putin will, of course, pull off his face to reveal just a smaller Putin inside, as we all expected.

I am confident that the American spirit will win out in the 2016 U.S. Presidential election campaign. Donald Trump will finally reveal that he is, in fact, a plant by the Hillary Campaign to undermine the Republican Party. He will then receive a 10% boost in popularity because of “his honesty and realness.” Fortunately for everyone, his hairpiece will finally consume him in late summer, only to smother Hillary Clinton in the final debate. President Pile of Hair will win the 2016 election, becoming the first inanimate object to become President of the United States since Millard Fillmore.

Afghanistan is still gonna Afghanistan. Let’s move on from that to…

…Iraq, where…um, nothing new to see over here, let’s take a quick look at…

…American gun violence. The NRA will finally swear allegiance to a giant phallic AR-15, making illiterate, angry, bepaunched, sweaty white men everywhere implode in happiness. Gun violence drops by 60%.

Star Wars: the Force Awakens will remain to be so popular that Congress will militarize it, deploy it against Daesh, and it will bring lasting peace in the Middle East. It will then sit on Congress and make it take a pay cut.

Yup, 2016 is going to be a great year.


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