Predictions for 2018

So 2017 is over, and what a year it has been. We’ve had drama, scandal, disasters, wars, outbreaks, and diseases, and I think that was just in August alone. I recall after 2016 we all said, “Well, we sure aren’t gonna do THAT again” and apparently we didn’t mean it. Still, with all the latent optimism of a slowly expiring tortoise, let’s lean forward and make a few predictions for 2018, shall we?

In 2018, the Army’s number one priority will continue to be readiness, safety, mission completion, family life, training, safety, and readiness. The new slogan will be, “Ready to fight last week,” which will force unit training managers to run DTMS in reverse. This will cause the space-time continuum to break and life as we know it will change forever.

The Navy is going to send the USS Constitution to the Pacific to try to force North Korea to back down in the face of the one ship in the fleet that has actually won a ship-to-ship engagement. And in an effort to build more combat power, the Navy will simply stack Zumwalt-class warships on top of each other and call it good.

Stacked Zumwalts
Truly a fearsome weapon.

The Air Force will commit to building the new B-21 Raider bomber, but during production it will go through so many upgrades that at the end it will just be an Imperial Star Destroyer. At that point, the Navy will take it by force, claiming that “space is pretty much water,” and ignite the 2018 Inter-Service Space War.

During 2018, the Marines will discover a new box of crayons which should take care of them for a while. In the interest of fairness, however, Secretary of Defense James Mattis will force them to share their crayons with the 82nd Airborne – beginning yet another round of arguments over which specialized form of theater entry is less obsolete in 2018.

The Coast Guard will probably still be doing their jobs, protecting our nation’s shores, saving lives, and making unit movement officers everywhere cry during container inspections in Afghanistan.

Speaking of which…

The conflict in Afghanistan will turn 17, try to date the conflict in Iraq, will get its heart broken, and will sit in the dark in its room, writing some really bad poetry that it will regret when it gets older.

In the meantime, the conflict in Iraq is now 15 and getting a little jealous of all the new baby conflicts the U.S. has been making, so its thinking of getting together with Turkey to make a small conflict in Kurdistan.

The Russians will lift their one aircraft carrier out of the water, place it in Ukraine, and call it a peaceful power plant. In an effort to show that they are not, in fact, attempting to destabilize the U.S. through interfering in our elections, they will release Vladimir Putin’s tax records. These will prove to be nothing more than his failed attempts to create a Tinder profile. Outraged, the Russians will start bombing themselves in retaliation.

Picture1
“That new Russian power plant is more polluting than our old ones.”

China will try to trade North Korea for a pack of smokes and some more sand for their “island theme park” that is edging closer to Australia.

For its part, North Korea will up the crazy level by creating a Dennis Rodman-tipped intercontinental ballistic missile, sending the world into total meltdown.

Rodman ICBM
Terrifying to imagine.

And on the U.S. political front, literally nothing that I say will be deemed crazy by the end of the year because it will have been outpaced by real life.

But here goes. The Democrats will attempt to retake the Senate but will be unable to defeat the Army of the Undead that Roy Moore summons after he breaks into the Hobby Lobby’s “Museum of the Bible” and accidentally reads the long-lost Egyptian Book of the Dead, mistaking it for the Alabama Senate race recount sheets. At this time, Sen. Chuck Schumer will reveal that he’s been a zombie all along and will negotiate a truce with the Army of the Undead. They will then send Roy Moore back through the break in the space-time continuum that the Army had caused. The Army of the Undead will take up seats in Congress and legislation will actually get passed.

On the weather front, a hurricane from the Gulf Coast will grab a flight to California to link up with the forest fires to create a firecane, which will burn a fiery path across the Mojave Desert, which is fine, because there’s nothing to destroy there except the Army’s Fort Irwin National Training Center and everyone hates it already. Canada will send down a blizzard to kill the firecane. A grateful United States will agree to hang on to Justin Bieber long enough for him to fade into obscurity.

If any of these predictions come true, we’ll be amazed because it means that we’ve survived 2018 and nuclear annihilation is delayed yet another year.

Thanks for a grand ol’ 2017 and here’s to 2018!


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About the Author: Angry Staff Officer is an Army engineer officer who is adrift in a sea of doctrine and staff operations and uses writing as a means to retain his sanity. He also collaborates on a podcast with Adin Dobkin entitled War Stories, which examines key moments in the history of warfare.


Cover image: Retrieved from Richtopia.com