Ok, listen up. Yeah, I know, this is what’s standing in between you and your freedom, but the tips laid out here could save your life.
First off, don’t drink and drive. That’s just basic. Watch out for slips, trips, and falls. Next, if you get stuck between your violently right wing uncle and your violently left wing aunt, execute the following battle drill: get out your phone and start playing cat videos. The angry middle-aged relatives cannot resist and will cease firing for a time. If you cannot break contact, just start throwing gravy. Yes, it will be uncomfortable for a bit, but it’s better than the complete family division that they will undoubtedly sow if left unchecked.
Next, Thanksgiving is a time when we all like to enjoy some good food, and for some of us, that means cooking. Here’s some safety tips in the kitchen: watch out for grease fires, don’t get stabbed by your family when they find you stealing turkey from the kitchen before it’s served, be sure to remove the cranberry-sauce-in-the-shape-of-a-can from the actual can, don’t mix up the baking powder with the baking soda, and – for the love of all the Army gods – keep a good bottle of booze hidden away just for yourself in order to preserve your sanity.
And that brings us to alcohol. You’ll need it, of course, but you should always be safe with it. As in, avoiding all terrible lite beers that an uncle will try to foist on you while watching football, while dodging your other uncle’s attempt to get you to drink his homemade wine (that stuff will peel paint off walls). And remember, while you want to have a few drinks to loosen up, you really don’t want to be drunk in front of your family. That’s one of those things that just causes more problems.
Okay, lastly, if you do end up overeating, be aware that the same rules apply for falling asleep with your shoes on as they do when you’re drinking. And your younger cousins are definitely packing Sharpies and know these rules, even though they say they don’t, so stay frosty.
Happy Thanksgiving, you crazy kids.
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About the Author: Angry Staff Officer is an Army engineer officer who is adrift in a sea of doctrine and staff operations and uses writing as a means to retain his sanity. He also collaborates on a podcast with Adin Dobkin entitled War Stories, which examines key moments in the history of warfare. Support this blog’s Patreon here.