Scene: Stormtrooper barracks in Nevarro City, as seen in “The Mandalorian.” Sergeant TK-7831 walks in to address his squad.
TK-7831: “Quiet down, this is an Imperial facility, not a Bantha-breeding ground.”
TK-9938: “Wait, how would you know what that is, sergeant?”
TK-7831: “When you’ve been wearing armor as long as I have – wait, shut up, I don’t have to answer questions like that, I’m in charge here. TK-5172, put your damn hand down, this isn’t Q&A at the Imperial Academy.”
TK-9938: “But sergeant, how would you know what that was like?”
TK-7831: “Does my face look like I’m in the mood for these questions?”
TK-5172: “Sergeant, we can’t see your face with your helmet on.”
TK-7831: “Look, just because the Emperor is dead and we’re all dispersed and leaderless, doesn’t mean that discipline just disappears. We’re stormtroopers, remember? The best soldiers in the Galaxy. Right, no more questions. I’m here to give you your safety briefing before the next operation. A few items on the agenda, in addition to the usual ones. Remember, safety first. Everyone is a safety, if you see an unsafe act, call it out.”
TK-5172: “Uh, sergeant, everything we do is – “
TK-7831: “I know, I know, it’s a script, okay? If you ever applied yourself and stopped hiding booze in your armor, maybe you’d make sergeant someday.
Uh, okay, so, the usual reminders: due to the new shortfall in our annual budget, as in, we don’t have one, blaster range time is cut. I know, I know, it was usually cut because we had to maximize time doing inventories on the containerized units in the Star Destroyer’s hull – because some droid messed it up by going over to the Rebellion, but I was told to put it out. So, just, I don’t know, try to aim straight. Blaster safety is important.
Next item: no drinking and driving. Specifically, no drinking and then taking a speeder out for a joyride. We’ve got a limited inventory as it is and trooper-speeder fatalities are on the rise. Which reminds me, on a related note, we’ll be doing funeral services for TK-9921 tomorrow at 0700.
Next item: if you’re going to be heading out on leave, the XO wanted me to remind you that you should fill out the prerequisite forms, otherwise you might not be coming back from leave, if you take my meaning. XO also wanted me to remind you that when on leave, it is against Imperial Policy Memorandum 112 – yes, I know there’s no more Empire, TK-38112, put your hand down, but we’ve got to have standards – anyways, it’s against policy to come back from leave or pass having created or removed additional lives in this universe. So, you know, don’t get anyone pregnant. Keeping your armor on should take care of that.
Alright, that about does it for the usual stuff – oh, don’t sleep under any Imperial vehicles, due to armor officers never looking where they’re going and running troopers over.
New items: we’ve got a Moff coming in tomorrow, Moff Gideon – so remember your customs and courtesies. Remember especially hard since he likes to shoot people who forget. Actually, he really just likes to shoot people. He travels with his own Death Troopers, so don’t mess with them.”
TK-38112: “Sergeant, I’d like to volunteer to go on patrol.”
TK-38113: “Uh, me too, sergeant. I’ll go, uh, anywhere. Is there trash compactor I can PMCS? Something I can police call?”
TK-9938: “Is this your first day or something? You never volunteer for anything in the Corps. Does being a scout make you dumber or something?”
TK-38112: “Clearly not, otherwise we’d be regular plodders like you grunts.”
TK-7831: “CUT THE CROSSTALK! Fine, perfect, two scout troopers for a mission to go steal some sort of baby. Should be something so simple that even you two can’t screw it up.”
TK-38113: “A baby, sarge? Nah, that won’t work for us, neither of us are really family men.”
TK-7831: “Apparently you fell off your speeder too hard the other day and bumped your head – I should probably add that to the safety report, actually – because that’s not how you talk to an NCO in the Corps!”
TK-38112: “Sergeant, does anyone even read those reports anymore?”
TK-7831: “Trooper, you are this close to being sent to greet Moff Gideon on his arrival.”
TK-38112: “Roger. Understood. I’ll stop talking now.”
TK-7831: “Okay, let’s see if I can go through the rest of this without anymore idiotic interruptions. Right. This next item is about avoiding Mandalorians, but I think we all know that one. Well, we’re alive, so we’ve all learned that lesson. Okay, last few items, let’s get through them fast because I see the CO coming with our next mission assignments. No more blurgg racing, no shooting at your equipment, no shooting at inanimate objects, and please, for the love of the Emperor, clean your damn armor! You look like a bunch of rejects from Tatooine. Have some pride! Now, sound off with our motto!”
All: “Sometimes they are the droids you’re looking for!”
TK-7831: “Outstanding. Keep your domes on a swivel and maybe we’ll live to fight another day. Here comes the CO. Squad, atten-tion!“
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About the Author: Angry Staff Officer is an Army engineer officer who is adrift in a sea of doctrine and staff operations and uses writing as a means to retain his sanity. He also collaborates on a podcast with Adin Dobkin entitled War Stories, which examines key moments in the history of warfare.
Cover photo: CREDIT: DISNEY / LUCASFILM